everything you never needed to know, but were afraid not to read.

Just had the urge to listen to "Puttin on the Ritz" by Taco. Weird. I heard it for the first time about three years ago and died laughing as it was the funniest thing ever.

:)

I'm surviving guys. Too little sleep, working hard, trying to get better at this new job everyday. Smiling and congratulating everytime someone else gets pregnant or shares pictures of their new babies. Oh well. What can I do?

I'm excited for Thanksgiving, mostly the turkey. Our friend Keith is cooking the big Turkey dinner with all the fixins on Monday. Yum. I've been invited to spend the day with my actual family. I really would like to go but convincing others to go with is kind of a hard task.

I really just want to see Amy's baby girls and how much they've grown. I miss Alena! I so wish I could just adopt her.

This is the extent of my life. It's 9:07pm and I'm exhausted. See ya later.

When I'm alone and the only thing that sounds like fun is music and reading or ... shit like that I start feeling all "oh no i had a miscarriage-y".

I'm ok with feeling like this somehow. I feel like a different person. I just miss being pregnant so fucking much. There are a handful of days that I relive each and every day and haunt my memories so vividly. That Thursday is without a doubt one of them. Today we went to the grocery store that I was in when I realized shit wasn't right and there was way too much of this and that ... and what was that in the toilet?

TMI? I don't give a shit.

I felt a little stab at my heart as I passed by the restrooms.

So now I'm listening to music, sitting alone in my apartment as I had loved so much but lately it's been reserved for reading miscarriage stories on the internet and listening to music. The worst possible song just started, "Forever My Lady" in which one of the first lines goes "So now you're having my baby" and another lyric goes "Now our baby is born healthy and strong" btw this is an r & b song from the nineties.

The previous song was Loving Arms by Dixie Chicks. One set of lyrics in particular just made me fall to pieces.


... If I could hold you now
Just for a moment, if I could really make you mine
Just for a while, turn back the hands of time
If I could only hold you now

Fucking shit.

Oh, by the way guys did I ever tell you that my sister in law is pregnant? Yep. She's ten weeks along and when I asked her how she was feeling even though I felt my own heart breaking as the words left my mouth she says ... "Ugh, I feel miserable. You don't want to be pregnant."

Really? Insensitive much? Yeah.

So on twitta Barenaked Ladies announced a show on December 12th in Vail, Colorado.

I WANT TO GO.

This has been what's keeping me going all day. My butt is tired from waking up before 5:30 every day since Monday for work. Sadly, this will go on through the end of November. Oh, Jeebus help me!

Anyway. I want to go to Colorado for my birthday, to a snowy picturesque ski town and bask in the loveliness that is BNL. Can you blame me?

It's a free concert, so all I have to worry about is the overtime and the cost for the hotel in a picturesque ski town as well as transportation costs. AJ pretty much counted it out for me. I think I'll be looking at like three or four extra shifts if I want to spend cheaply. Oh, and I do.

I misscarried on week 11. What turned in to "normal" spotting one day then made me feel like I'd never ever stop bleeding as I'd never seen so much in my life. Spent 6 and 1/2 hours and $200 in an ER for them to say .... "We don't know what's going on."

FANTASTIC.

Had cramps that night that I'd never felt before. Felt like I was having cramps mixed with a strong pressure on my stomach. I've been told I was having contractions.

So there I was for six days wondering as they said I may have miscarried but it was possible I had become pregnant again because pregnancy hormone was still slightly showing in my system. I had to go back to the hospital on Saturday and get more blood work done so they can check the levels at a later date. Great.

Tried allllllllll day on Monday calling the nurse of my midwife to get results. Went as far as leaving my husbands phone number with her, forgetting hipaa laws in hopes that she would at least say something. She was kind of a b-word on the phone with him, but whatever.. being a nurse is hard I'm sure.

Finally got a hold of her the next day and she confirmed.. yep, your hcg levels are decreasing. Can you come in every week and give more blood until we see it at zero?

Ok. So this lady wants me to go back to the same hospital that I spent 6 1/2 hours in every week to find out how UNPREGNANT I am. Doesn't that sound fun?

I'm probably coming off as bitter in this post. I probably am. Browsed around facebook this morning and found a lot of old classmates and co-workers around my age beaming in their photos with new families and baby pictures. It fucking hurts. I'll be the first to admit that I was scared to death of having this baby, I was afraid it would be too hard on my body and may even kill me. I changed the way I was living, ate better, exercised more saw significant decrease in my blood sugar levels to the way I was supposed to have them as a pregnant woman. The majority of those eleven weeks changed my mind. I was so excited to see my little peanuts face. I was convinced it was a baby girl that I'd probably call Nella and she would have curly hair like her daddy and chubby cheeks like her mommy.

I'm not writing this hoping for sympathy or empathy because I'm getting it non-stop. I just wanted to say it and be fucking bitter. How is it that crackheads are having babies every day? How is it that twelve year olds are having babies every day?

How does that work? Why does that work?

I went to a different hospital today. So far, I'm liking them a lot more than the previous one with all of their scare tactics and horrible wait times. They actually exammed me and checked stuff out. Due to the positioning of my uterus and pelvic bone and shit we can't hear the heartbeat quite yet, we'll have to wait a few weeks. I have no problem with this, was hoping to hear it today but it gives me another thing to look forward to!

I'm planning on telling the powers that be at work about it. I'm hoping they will work with me on inconvenient appointment times while I'm in this training class for the next three weeks.

I'm ten weeks and two days along, as was estimated by the awesome nurse at the awesome Women's hospital on Montgomery. I don't know, I'm just feeling 100% better about this place than the last hospital I went to. I've already gone through two and a half months of this stuff, I'm hoping the rest will be as easy as it's already been. Fingers crossed.

I was sitting around during the last two weeks of July waiting for my period to arrive. I'd felt cramps and pms-y and figured it was on its way. So on August first the husband suggests taking a pregnancy test. I was shaking in my boots. We got home from our movie date, ate our pizza and I sat around wanting to have to pee. I finally peed on the stick and within a few seconds the second line indicating pregnancy started to darken real quick even though it's supposed to take three minutes before it changes your life forever. I walked away from the bathroom, didn't tell my husband that the second line had all but told my fortune already and made him check the stick a few minutes later.

I started crying. I was scared to death. This baby might be too hard on my body. I wanted to be in better shape before I got pregnant.. ahhh.

Scary shit.

Called my brother, texted Jesse and started to calm down.

My husband went to bed a few hours later. I stood up and watched Knocked Up. I'm just a nerd like that. Peed on the second stick and yep, it said I was pregnant.

Long story short I made a Dr. appointment, my boobs got tender and I was real paranoid about too much movement as I thought it'd hurt my little peanut.

I went to my first appointment on Wednesday, no thanks to my bitch ass pancreas and diabetes and such I'm considered high risk. They're going to keep a close eye on me, which is totally ok as long as we both make it out of this whole thing happy, breathing and a-okay. They said based on my last period which was the last week of June it meant I was at least 7 weeks pregnant. The nurse figured this out with a paper dial thing. Uber scientific. I'm apparently due on April 2nd. Cue the April Fools baby jokes, I've heard a ton of them already. :)

When I filed my 2007 income tax I thought something was a little fishy because the return was an insane amount. I left it alone, got the money and made it last for a long time. I had my suspicions that it was a little fishy because the amount was a lot larger than normal. On Tuesday we drove down to Belen to pick up some mail and do other random stuff, I forget and there was a big fat letter from the IRS waiting for me. They overpaid me, they want it back. There was an error in the return form and probably by my mistake I now get to pay them every red cent plus interest back. Joy they're letting me do it in installments though. Woot woot.

At the time though, the money was a huge blessing. I was able to tie up loose ends and finally move out of that house with those wretched people. Thank God for that.

The day he passed away I was pissed off at all of the dramatics. People who didn't give two shits about him the day before suddenly were his biggest fans and were dying to prove just how much MJ they actually owned.. bullshit.

I admit, I was a grouch. I was probably bitter that they made such a big deal over the whole thing. I've decided to let it go, he was an icon. An amazing performer. Right?

Only for Michael did watching music videos become an "event" in my house as a kid.

He was my hero as a kid. I wanted to heal the world the way the he wanted to heal the world.

I even tried doing dance moves which were ridiculously bad and there may or may not be a youtube worthy video of a fat 11 year old me in black and white clothes mimicking an MJ video.. or two. I'm just saying.. it's not a proven fact yet. :)

He was sometimes a bit of a wackadoo, but I can't blame him. I'm not going to sit around and judge him. He was an entertainer, and he was here to do his job.


lol.. but remember when he accepted that bullshit award at some mtv award show and he started thanking David Blaine and shit? That was hilarious. :)

Had a nightmare that he died in my arms last night. Fuck.

Also, I'm watching In to the Wild right now, am I the only one that thinks this guy is a dumb fuck?

We've moved to Albuquerque, we're pretty much settled in the apartment and I occasionally get annoyed by my weirdo neighbor.

Got a call from a bill collector the other day for the first time in my life, apparently my dad set up an account with PNM (power new mexico) under my name when I was about sixteen and the big bad wolves have come after me. I don't know what to do. I don't feel I should have to pay for it since I was fucking minor at the time but apparently he's been able to screw me over even after his death. Bastard.

We have an apartment but nothing very comfortable to sit on. Gilbert has his very comfy oversized recliner and I have a bunch of hard uncomfortable dining chairs to choose from and pretend that I'm ok with it. We went to a furniture store today, they ran my credit and the father of mine incident fucked us over. I'm going to look for something we can buy straight out but it would hurt the hell out of our little buffer/saftey net of a checking account that we have especially after the move and picking up little things here and there for the apartment. I kind of feel that I need to work overtime, although I know we're fine and can afford our lives, it scares me to think of huge bills in the future like a second car someday and furniture and student loans.

Ouch.

I really hate grieving my mom. I just feel like I should be more productive than sitting around and crying my face off. This stems from watching my aunts "fake passing out" and making huge scenes after my grandma died. They also took to blasting Celine Dion (gross) and being overall dramatic over everything including hitting their grown children because they simply want a "hug".

Life stopped for my aunts after my grandma passed away. I'm not denying that some days I would give anything in the entire universe to be able to spend real time with my mom again and see and touch her living breathing face, and sometimes I feel so entirely lost but I do my best not to end up taking pills or drinking my pain away. It's very real that my mom's not around and no temporary high will ever bring her back.

It has been a rough couple of weeks for me though, last year during the whole "You're the problem" fiasco that made me lose any kind of sympathy/love/like for my aunt Diane, I had my eye appointment and the Dr. and I got to talking about diabetes and shit, soon we were talking about my mom and she reminded me it was the first mothers day without her. Yes.. I'm well aware of the fact that mother's day is around as there are a kabillion posters and advertisements telling me what I should do or buy or what my mother would love to have, except I can't. I don't remember it being this hurtful last year though I'm sure it was. I may have been too in to the whole "yaaaaaaay I love this house on Lead Ave!!" though I'm sure I felt it. I don't know, it's been fucking rough.

The other day at work I got an internal transfer for some customers who apparently lost a daughter recently, (I was in kick ass rep mode and started to do my call sequencing with all the empathy I could muster without crying myself as these types of calls are never fun).. anyway I tell them I know what they must be going through as I've recently lost a few people in my life in the past few years including both parents, immediately this lady starts yelling at me saying that she didn't give a shit about what I was doing, they were calling the President of the company because I.. ME billed them for their daughters line though they never called to cancel a fucking thing. I tried several times to explain to them what could happen they started demanding that I call some lady Shanna that was to have paid the bill and took care of the active line but guess what.. was not completed at all. So there I am, trying to explain what can be done all the while being yelled at when I'm feeling pretty fucking orphan-ish as it is and this lady goes "I don't give a damn about your mother, my daughter was thirty five when she died and I'm sure your mom was a lot older than that!" ... actually bitch nine years older is not that much of a difference but whatever I know where she's coming from.. basically they hung up, nothing was done to the account as she was losing her mind calling me heartless and worthless etc..

Normally I'd take the next call, water off my back.. no big deal however my cube neighbor, Moises sat next to me, signed me out before another call could come through and let me cry a little and embarassed as I was he sat there until I was ok. I wasn't wailing or weeping loudly just a little bit of tears to catch with some kleenex ... this call was a little too much for me to deal with. I don't need anyone yelling in my ear about what I already know about, yes it is my job.. yes I know EXACTLY where they're coming from, I just couldn't take it.

I kinda love Moises, he's a great friend.

Ahh..

Anyway so I've been listening to all of this great music that reminds me of my mom, Ruben Studdard as she LOVED him, Barenaked Ladies, 90's R & B.. shit she loved. It makes me feel a little bit closer to her. I almost worked up the nerve to do Who Knew by Pink at a karaoke bar the other night then I realized it's a major downer and also I suck at singing. I've also been eating foods that remind me of being a kid or that my mom would make. Asparagus and egg, oatmeal the way she made it, grilled chicken.. :)

I fucking miss her so much, it's ridiculous. I keep dreaming about her, fast fleeting moments in my dream when I feel like I'm in middle school and she was so beautiful and I feel so taken care of.

I wish I didn't feel so ridiculous to miss my mom. Hmm.


oh.. and here's my governor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vO2YYxL8J7M

I'm so happy my weekend is here. The week has gone by pretty quickly but my brain is fried and tired of reading bills and empathizing.

I mean seriously, accountability is huge for me. I wish more people felt that way.

ah well. there's laundry to do.

So it is 1:52am, I'm getting married at 11am. Typing that just brought on the nerves. I'm so excited. I can't believe it's happening to me. I remember being at my mom's wedding.. (omg that sounds ghetto!!) and she was giggling the whole time while my step dad was doing the vows part, she was saying "You're saying this.... to me??!???" so freaking cute.

I hope I don't fuck up the vows. lol.

I can't believe I'm going to be someones wife. I almost feel like I'm not ready but I know I am. We are ready. I was the biggest pain in his ass for the first month and a half until he wore me down with his courtship and pushing me to grow as a person. Now he can't peel me off of him. The feeling is mutual btw.

I've had I Can Hear The Bells going on a solid loop for the past fifteen minutes and now Bull in a China Shop came on and I feel a little bit bummed.

Ah well.

Anyway so it's going to be a super small ceremony thing, if that his sister made me a tiny bouquet with pink roses and white tulips. My dress is ivory, I'll be wearing some real cute black pumps, I still have to do my eyebrows and my toenails and I'm running out of time.

I wish you could be there, Jessepants. :(

Pictures will follow on some social networking site, whichever I care to upload to I guess. :)

lots of loves..

amanda.. schaffino. :)

i want to punch you in the face and love you all at once.

i'm feeling 70/30 on the punch/love thing though.

i'm a flip flopper.

i opened this page to rant at you but now i feel like i love you.

how about not being such a stand out and next time keep your car doors shut and refrain from doing illegal drugs in front of windows.

i'm just saying.

though you've expressed many obvious signs of mid life crisis i still wish you the best and hope this will be a healthy if temporary change and point you in the right direction.

i also wonder how the band will even work! i'm a huge fan of ed songs, half a heart is incredible, long way back home.. when i fall ... but i can't comprehend what a show will be like without steve.

hopefully a few years down the road he'll come back to us with high kicks and thick framed glasses and his adorable nose. i'll keep my fingers crossed.

ps.

a part of me really wants to say "steve it won't be the same with out the SOUND OF YOUR VOICE" but it's too cheesy for me to do it without openly admitting it's lame.


:(

1.

small legs and a larger midsection. Do you know how hard it is to find jeans with this body shape.

2.

whiners. Do something about it already.

3.

the fact that though tomorrow is a huge payday and sure i'd like a friday off i can all but guarantee that i'll be one of the very few at work tomorrow.

4.
people not having balls.

My dress arrived a few days ago.  I somehow think I've made a mistake by buying such a wedding dress and not just a pretty dress because it's stirred up all of these thoughts about weddings and shit.  My aunt called me after I sent a few pics of myself wearing it and it on a hanger and she calls back near crying saying I look so beautiful and so much like my mom.

I hate that she's not here.  She should have been the first one to see me try it on.  She should have been here so that I could give her the first call about how he proposed to me and all of that bullshit.

This is hard.  I remember February 2008 being especially tough for me. I literally felt a broken heart.  Don't know why that is but it sucks.


what can ya do?

I foolishly ignored the the emails announcing to bid on a shift for New Years Day because there's a chance if ya don't yer ass will get drafted and you'll have to work anyway.

I was feeling quite lucky because I didn't have to work Thanksgiving day and was thinking my seniority though not super good was well enough to keep me from being scheduled. Ah well, it was only an extra eight hours and double time and a half on that next check. Whattayagonnado right?

Hope your New Years went well. I spent my short weekend with my love loves and though we had to sleep in separate beds... SERIOUSLY but we were together.

He's recently had some relatives visit and his family for the most part as I understand, well they're practicing Jehovah's Witnesses and though he was raised as one, never fully became one. Anyway so having the relatives visit kind of sparked something in his dad and because due to some effed up employment issues he's living with his dad and his dad is suddenly against the whole living in sin thing... blah.

No big deal. Really. :)

We spent last night hanging out together, he made a seafood dinner and we missed the New Year countdown by three minutes but we shared a kiss anyhow and giggled and loved and love-sacked each other to our hearts content. He sent me this text message that I'm sharing here because he'd probably kill me if on something like myspace ....

"I decided to marry you when I was on the road. I did not realize how much I loved you and missed you and it is very admirable of you to be able to understand and love me for the eccentric that I am.. and I want you to know that I love you very much and that I see a strong wonderful, patient and beautiful woman that I love! XoXoXoXo"

Awww mother fuckin awwww right?

I'm so amazed that someone so loving could love me back. I really can't wait to be his wife, to be his Mrs.

I had to be at work at 2pm today so when Gilly drove me home this morning and I walked in I noticed broken glass in my indoor walkway, turns out there was a ... I don't even know what that happened last night despite the fact that I was assured at least one of them would be a designated driver. I don't know exactly what happened but they're both beat up, and I don't honestly know what to do about it as far as how to think about what happened. I know that this is getting old, it's been old actually but I love them so much I am kind of at a loss. I freaked out a little, and he was here to wrap his arms around me and kiss me on the forehead and promise me it would be ok and assured me that our life that we'll have together will never ever go "there".

I don't know man, I'm feeling hurt by the both of them and yet so loved by Gilbert I feel like I'm floating in the middle.

Bah. So I turned twenty five last Friday. I spent the day running errands with my (tee hee..) fiance and hung out watching tv with him and his brother in a pajama shirt because I happen to have a red shrug sweater that is the exact color and material as some shorts that I have so in the rush of packing my shit I packed the shorts, pajama pants, two undershirts, a button up pajama shirt and some socks. :) So amusing.. to myself alone but ah well.

We went to the MVD that day because he's getting his HAZMAT endorsement and we decide for shits and giggles to check what's needed again for my own license and so the hispanic Sarah Palin look a like prints out some data that simply says.. Suspended from July 31, 2002 to July 31 2102. No typo at all. They suspended my license for ONE HUNDRED YEARS for a $5000 lawsuit and a dent in the other persons car. Had someone died, had I been drinking and driving and not just some dumb ass kid on a mini joyride not two miles from my home it might sound kind of right but what the hell.. a hundred fucking years? After I called the Santa Fe office they said it was due to financial responsibility, so after about ten seconds of waiting for the twat to tell me how much I had to pay to relieve myself of a hundred year suspension I finally asked... "Ooookaaay so how much do I have to pay? I recently paid off the judgement, what else needs to be paid?" to that she replies that was all I had to pay and since I've paid it off and even filed the documents with the County of Bernalillo (I can never remember how to spell that word) I still have to file it with them.

Can you believe a hundred fucking year suspension?

Geez.

Oh. So my brother treated my us to a seafood dinner at Sandia Casino. Talk about yum yum, they even had sugar free coconut cream pie.. mmmmm.

This is old news. I'm very late on holiday shopping and am basically getting gifts for only five people since some family members decided to fuck themselves earlier this year. Ah well.. such is life.

I've also finally decided to get in to the holiday mood though it hardly feels like Christmas at all. I've put up my little two foot spiraly light christmas tree thing and bought some gifts online and wrapping paper and tape. I'm fucking Mrs. Claus. :) Also, I rocked out to Barenaked for the Holidays... the one Jesse burned for me oh so long ago. :)

Some of you may know already but I'm elated and can you blame me?

I'm engaged!

It happened so non-chalantly I basically thought it was a joke. I was getting dressed in my bedroom and my boyfriend nay.. fiance was laying upside down on my bed and he says...

Will you marry me?

Huh..? Oh yeah of course you know I'll marry you in a heartbeat.

No. Seriously, I'm asking you. Will you marry me?

What? Shut up. You know I will.

No. I'm seriously asking you. Will you marry me?

Yes. Yes of course I'll marry you.

Hardly a proposal in the rain at a gas station half way between Belen and Albuquerque but it worked for me. I still thought he was joking until he started sending a mass text message that announced to his friends that I said yes.

Hee.

I don't know what the wedding date is. I kind of have an idea of a small-ish wedding with a black and white dress maybe some cream in it. No idea.

All I know is he looks at me with so much love in my eyes and casual proposal or not I'd be a fool to say no.

i watched the sex and the city movie today on dvd, it left me feeling pretty lonely.

i know i have my friends but sometimes i feel we're not as close as we once were.

i know i have so much but i feel so pained feeling that all or at least most of you get to taste mom's famous whatever it is and this is the first time in my life that there wasn't some kind of buzz about the holidays in my house. even when things were rough she made miracles on those very special days.

grr.